Its Complicated…

I noticed a weird thing about me…things I loved the most, I avoid them…and I find myself asking question why that is? Shouldn’t I do that more and more but an inexplicable fear stops me doing that regularly…
Now what are those things? First thing which comes to my mind is movies, there are few movies which touched my heart…those were the movies I watched with single mind concentration…didn’t budge while watching them…but watched them, loved them and that’s it…every time I plan to watch a movie, I DO NOT watch my favorite movies. I tried to think rational behind this. Sometimes I think that I love that movie so much that I don’t want to ruin the experience by watching it second time…or sometimes I think it breaks my heart to see such a perfect thing…or sometimes I think that I’m scared of getting attached to it…I don’t know what is it but none of my favorite movie I watched twice..
Then second thing which I love is to read…same thing here…I have a collection of books that can fill a small room…I like to own books…I don’t like to rent them…so I buy them….somebody once asked me do you buy books so that you can read them whenever you want to…I wanted to tell her that no, I don’t read a book twice but then she would think me a nut head so I just nodded…but I started thinking why do I buy them then….I tried to lure myself into renting a book I’m never going to read second time…but I couldn’t… I can’t even muster the courage to donate those to somebody else…those are mine and would always be mine. Even though I don’t read them at all….
Then skydive…I loved the experience…flying on the top of the world…that’s the feeling I can’t even begin to explain…after that I thought I lived my life…but then after 2 years somebody asked me again, I said no…was I scared? No. I just didn’t have any explanation for that…I truly loved that experience but then why won’t I have it again? No idea…
Its really complicated. 


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