Its Complicated…

I noticed a weird thing about me…things I loved the most, I avoid them…and I find myself asking question why that is? Shouldn’t I do that more and more but an inexplicable fear stops me doing that regularly…
Now what are those things? First thing which comes to my mind is movies, there are few movies which touched my heart…those were the movies I watched with single mind concentration…didn’t budge while watching them…but watched them, loved them and that’s it…every time I plan to watch a movie, I DO NOT watch my favorite movies. I tried to think rational behind this. Sometimes I think that I love that movie so much that I don’t want to ruin the experience by watching it second time…or sometimes I think it breaks my heart to see such a perfect thing…or sometimes I think that I’m scared of getting attached to it…I don’t know what is it but none of my favorite movie I watched twice..
Then second thing which I love is to read…same thing here…I have a collection of books that can fill a small room…I like to own books…I don’t like to rent them…so I buy them….somebody once asked me do you buy books so that you can read them whenever you want to…I wanted to tell her that no, I don’t read a book twice but then she would think me a nut head so I just nodded…but I started thinking why do I buy them then….I tried to lure myself into renting a book I’m never going to read second time…but I couldn’t… I can’t even muster the courage to donate those to somebody else…those are mine and would always be mine. Even though I don’t read them at all….
Then skydive…I loved the experience…flying on the top of the world…that’s the feeling I can’t even begin to explain…after that I thought I lived my life…but then after 2 years somebody asked me again, I said no…was I scared? No. I just didn’t have any explanation for that…I truly loved that experience but then why won’t I have it again? No idea…
Its really complicated. 

Hurt

“How the hell can you do that? Who gave you right?”…as soon as I heard this, I was too stunned to react. What did I do? Why is she behaving like this? I asked her to please be calm , I told her nothing can please her and she said “you are no one to pass judgment on me..” and that did it…at that time only, I decided it’s not worth to talk to her anymore…I can’t risk the peace of my mind over this stupidity… I severed all my connections to her…because I felt bad..i was hurt….After all what did I do?
She pinged me that day saying she was not feeling well…she has a recent argument with her family, so she would not tell anybody about it …I was thousands miles away from her… I didn’t know what to do… so I pinged her elder sister….i said hi and I waited n waited n waited… I couldn’t do a damn thing and I was not feeling so great about it….then next morning came and I got busy in office…I was halfway through my day and she pinged me saying I didn’t even ask about her condition and I don’t care for anyone and it’s a mistake to keep any expectation from me…I tried to explain her that I’m concerned, but sometimes there is nothing in your hand…n I m not very good with words…I can’t solely pacify her with my words…to do something useful, I pinged her sister and before I could explain further she yelled…”why do you want to prove me weak in front of my family??” I was flabbergasted…either way I’m at fault…I’ve had enough…
I was enraged, what’s the point in being good, being faithful, being concerned…in the end, people forget everything as per their convenience. In the end, you are the bad guy …I was so angry that I didn’t make friends afterwards….it’s a pointless exercise…getting to know a person and then being disappointed by them….
After 6 months, he called me…told me she is no more…he was crying…in between his sobs, he told me she had heart problem…I figured she knew this when she was talking and fighting with me…probably that was her attempt to save me from the distress her condition would cause me…so many probability..
But where does this lead me? M I sad that she didn’t confide in me about her condition, am I in tears and devastated or heartbroken? NO…I am ANGRY, I am Furious. Am I angry about this situation.. with God? No, I’m angry with her because she created that situation, God has nothing to do with that…She took matters in her own hand and decided for me…now who gave her that right? What did she think, I’ll remember her as martyr all over my life, and she did a very good job? No sir, I’m sorry that I’ve come across her, I’m sorry that she became my friend and I’m sorry that people think that what they are thinking is in best interest of others and don’t even bother to discuss…
And then people say that I’m selfish, I’m arrogant and so not social that I didn’t even visit her during her final journey…ha…who cares…who knew during her final moments she chose not to be with me….now who is selfish?

She…

I have started for office at 6:30, yes that’s right, 6:30 AM, I like to reach early. Even though earliest in- time allowed in our office is 7:30 and you won’t get paid for extra hours, I always reach by 7:10 or so, I still like to be in office that early, beat the traffic you know…

Like every day, that day was the same, my cubicle mate has left the job, and hence I’ve got this complete cubicle at my disposal only. I’ve been working here for almost 20 years now, came across a lot of people, but I was always stationary. I like the stability here and have made this my comfort zone. I’m kind of used to people coming and going. It doesn’t bother me much now.

As soon as I reached the cubicle, I started getting busy, reading mails, replying to them, this was over in 30 mins, I’ll have to spend another 30 mins doing something coz my breakfast company don’t like to check in early like me, they will be here soon and I’ll go for breakfast then…meanwhile I browsed through the latest styles online.. I just like to do window shopping… Guess you would not call it window shopping since it’s on- line and there is no window but nevertheless…

Breakfast time has come and I pinged people to join me in cafeteria… I like going for breakfast… lot of people from my native place…I don’t feel alone there…. After having enough chit chat I came back to my seat and I see a new face in my cubicle…ah, my new cubicle mate has arrived… She heard me and turned and gave a dazzling smile…that looked very amazing on her tanned skin…and it was infectious too…I too smiled and introduced myself…she looked like a kid…I liked her…

In coming days, I told her a lot about office, its culture, and people to get things done. Poor thing doesn’t have a clue about anything. I felt like it’s my responsibility to guide her and I was doing that…

Her lead doesn’t sit on same floor, so she has to go upstairs to her lead most of the time, even though her seat is here, I saw her less and less..

One day she came downstairs saying her lead has not come today, so she will sit in her cubicle, I was glad. Few days have passed…I was noticing her activity…she was always on phone…in the cubicle, in the corridor, in the lift, in the café, in the designated area for phone call and even in RESTROOM. Why was she always on phone, did she not have work? What was her manager doing? Why was she not at her desk? And why did she come late? Are rules different for different people and see the nerve, she was new and she was not scared doing all this.

Don’t know why but I felt anger whenever I saw her passing time and she did that all the time. Along with that anger, surprisingly I liked her too. I was in contrast of these two moods. Sometimes I wanted to say something to her but then thought better and did nothing…but her activities were getting on my nerves…I was in greater conflict…why was this bothering me..Should I just leave her alone or should I do something about this…

Then other day, I was very busy, my lead was constantly hovering over my head and I was under tons of work and then she came, with phone on one ear and smiling and I just couldn’t take it anymore..I snapped…I have made enquiry about her manager already, I pinged her and I complained about her…I started and I did not stop, I complained about her late coming to office, I complained about her phone, I complained about her office wear, basically I complained about whatever I could think of…there was something which was compelling me do so…and when I finished, I felt relaxed..

Other day she came in a little early than her usual time, she greeted me as usual and said I’m thinking of coming to office a little bit early, it’s better since there is no traffic and you get to leave early too..I nodded… I knew this was a result of my complain but I was wondering whether she knows it’s me…her manager won’t do this, this would be unprofessional of her to reveal my name…my conscience started saying why does it matter if she knows who complained…I shushed it..

I didn’t see her on phone much either those days, that complaint really worked, but instead of feeling better I felt awful…couldn’t explain my feeling to myself…I tried talking to her.. She responded sweetly. Her behavior didn’t show anything…She always smiled, said bye to me when I leave, but she never initiated conversation or it was me overthinking…I think she never did that…but I’m noticing it now out of my guilt…but why I was feeling guilty…I said what I thought was right. Then my conscience spoke again, perhaps you went behind her back…You betrayed her. I shushed it again saying she was not that close that I’ll betray her…it whispered then why are you feeling guilty…I had no explanation…

The day before she was leaving for vacation, she came to cubicle and she looked at me … she looked at me with disbelief but didn’t say anything… There was that hurt, sense of betrayal in her eyes …that look will haunt me forever… That look for a fraction of second was enough to tell me that she knows…I felt such a surge of guilt, I didn’t know why I did that…and above all why I cared what she thinks. But I cared without any explanation…

She was gone for 3 weeks…I was wondering will she come…of course she won’t leave job because of this complain. Or could it be the case that they fired her…m so anxious. I’ve set something in motion which I’m regretting now…

But she came. After 3 weeks she came…I was so happy to see her…but there was a very distinctive coldness in her behavior, though no one other than us could make that out, but I knew that warm disarming smile was gone. It’s been replaced by guarded response, a tight smile. She felt stranger. But wasn’t she stranger to me? After all how well did I know her…?

I saw her that day talking to her friends in café. She was laughing …same smile…and suddenly she looked at me and that cold look has come over her …. It broke my heart…she is gone…however I try and whatever I do, I would never be the worthy of her trust again. Though it should not bother me but still……I miss her..